Archive for the 'Movies' category

Street Fighter: The Legend of Bad Movies

Jun 23 2009 Published by under Hot Girls, Movies

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When Kristen Kreuk was cast to play Chun Li in the latest Street Fighter movie, I was pretty stoked. But could she fight? Could she act? Would the battered Street Fighter brand be finally redeemed on the silver screen? These were some heavy questions everyone was asking, including myself.  But really – and I think I speak for a lot of men people here – my main interest was seeing this stunning half-Chinese, half-Dutch girl donning the Chun Li outfit, looking sexy, and making angry-cute faces at the bad guys!

To summarize my thoughts, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li is one of the worst action films I have ever seen, and will hopefully sound the death knell for live action attempts at the series.

The fight sequences, and there aren’t as many as you might expect, are barely a cut above daytime television standards. The wire-fu is particularly egregious, with excessive edits and fast camera pans unable to mask the lack of athletic ability of the cast. For a good reference (if not the golden standard) of what can be performed by a group of well-trained and choreographed actors, see Zhang Ziyi versus Michelle Kwon in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon for a martial arts masterpiece.

I could go on and on about what makes Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li such a bad film, but that would be giving far too much attention to a movie that nobody should have to see. Unless, of course, you are a Kristin Kreuk fan!

Yes, there are plenty of interesting shots of Kristin Kreuk in this film, and she shows her complete range of acting emotions, notably: anger, sadness and anger-sadness. Or, pretty much exactly what she delivered on Smallville for all those years.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to wear any sexy outfits during this outing – not even the high cut skirt worn by Chun-Li in the videogame that is infamously popular among the otaku crowd. It seems that the makers of the film deliberately tried to downplay Kristen’s sex appeal, perhaps to make her a better role model for young women. This was obviously a mistake.

So, if you are a diehard Kristen Kreuk fan, and can stomach the terrible plot, script and acting in this film, at least you can enjoy staring at this magnificent beauty for a solid 90 minutes while you simultaneously try to scrub the rest of the show from your bleeding senses. Also, there are a couple cool tracks by rapper Ace Hood to give the soundtrack a bit of gangstaness, although it’s hardly enough to save the film.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li gets a 2/10. One point for Kristin Kreuk’s adorably strange facial expressions, and another for featuring Ace Hood on the soundtrack.

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Jordana Brewster Is Better Than Vin Diesel

May 06 2009 Published by under Hot Girls, Movies

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A Vin Diesel Masterpiece of Crap

Do you like seeing car chases in movies? How about ones that are mostly done in computer graphics – an experience that’s little different from watching someone else play a videogame?

Because that’s how I felt after watching Fast and Furious, the latest Vin Diesel flick that also stars Michelle Rodriguez, Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster.

In truth, a few of the chase sequences are probably worth watching once, but largely, the film fails to deliver anything new or exciting to the series. But what were you expecting? It’s the third bloody sequel, and the original wasn’t anything special to begin with. Check out Ronin if you want to see car chases done right. If only it was Deniro instead of Vin Diesel in this film…

Jordana Brewster Improves Things Slightly

The one thing that got me interested enough to watch Fast and Furious is the casting of Jordana Brewster, who plays the sister of Vin Diesel’s character, Mia Toretto. Not that you need to learn anyone’s name in this film. Which gets me thinking, why bother calling Vin Diesel’s character anything other than Vin Diesel!? He plays the same damn character in all his films!

Jordana, who also appeared in the original The Fast and The Furious, did a stint on NBC’s Chuck earlier this year. She’s known for her disarming girl-next-door appeal. With her straight brunette hair, naturally tanned skin and big watery eyes, Jordana Brewster is a world-class babe.

Unfortunately, the makers of Fast and Furious inexplicably dress her up like someone’s Italian grandmother! It’s unbelievable that they don’t make her look sexy at all. Aside from a brief but fully clothed make-out scene, there’s no skin or sex to be had in this film. What a waste of talent!

Concerning Jordana’s role, it’s like she’s cast in a cameo appearance. Saying hi and giving friendly hugs to everyone is all she really does. When is this chic going to get naked, or at least have a mildly erotic sex scene? Certainly not while Vin Diesel is around hogging the spotlight with his goofy mug.

Despite my hopes, I somehow doubt Jordana, a Yale grad and former child soap star, will pursue roles that exploit her sexuality. This is a girl that has skillfully dodged the scandals and tabloid fodder of her Hollywood cohorts. It seems that she’s consciously chosen to live a more private, or perhaps more modest existence. Pity for us.

Final Analysis and Conclusion

The best part of Fast and Furious is near the end, when Jordana Brewster is seen driving a JDM Acura NSX — a sexy girl in a sexy car! — why wasn’t the whole film based around this concept? Instead, most of the film involves following a creepy looking bald dude and a Zack Morris look-alike drive their high school prom cars through silly computer generated tunnels against a politically-correct-because-they’re-racially-diverse field of competitors that always seem to crash or drive slower cars.

At least playing a video game, instead of watching one, is an engaging experience with some level of excitement and unpredictability.

Fast and Furious gets a 2/10, after losing a point for starring Vin Diesel and another for featuring Souljah boy music.

Fast and Furious is now available on Amazon. Own it today and enjoy years of regret.

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Kristen Stewart Fails at Acting; Still Pretty Hot

Mar 24 2009 Published by under Hot Girls, Movies

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It’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but the other day I gave in to curiosity and watched the teen vampire flick, Twilight. To summarize my thoughts, it was pretty terrible.

Unless you’re a 13 year old girl who’s in love with the eyebrow monster vampire, Robert Pattinson, I think you’ll find it pretty hard to sit through the film’s brooding, juvenile tone. But judging from its success at the box office, I guess that’s exactly what its viewers are asking for.

You see, I remember growing up with awesome movies like Robocop and Total Recall - masterpieces of storytelling and violence. Sure, they were a little light in the romance department, but when you have explosions and gunfire in almost every single frame, you’re hardly going to miss it! But I digress…

Regarding the plot in Twilight, very little happens; it feels rather like a filler episode from some weekly teen melodrama series:

Basically, a girl meets a guy, someone gets angry, and then the credits start rolling. After they’ve done about five of these films, I think it’ll make a lot more sense to just queue up all the movie trailers and watch them in sequence. Seriously, they just didn’t deliver enough of anything in this film!

Acting wise, it’s a mixed bag. Robert Pattinson, with his British heritage, offers a bit of depth and mystery to his character, but unfortunately he’s tied to a silly script that makes him seem suspiciously homosexual, and perhaps partially retarded.

Kirsten Stewart in comparison, downright butchers her lines. Couldn’t we just have our vampire fall in love with a sexy blood producing comatose patient? I mean, what does a 100 year old man have in common with a high school girl, anyway? His ‘need’ for her seems highly contrived and unrealistic.

Despite my personal disdain for Kristen Stewart’s acting, I’m sure some misguided fan will post a video collage of her ‘best moments’ on Youtube. In fact, I’ve already seen some of this crap the other day. I don’t know what I find more hilarious: Kirsten Stewart’s attempt at acting, or her fan’s warped perception of her abilities.

So is there anything that I like about Twilight?

Well, Kristin Stewart is pretty cute – I have no problems admitting that. She’s attractive in an unconventional way. She’s hot, but doesn’t really act like she’s hot. But yet she knows full well that she’s hot. And that brings out a subtle hotness in her, if you get what I’m saying. But from a sober perspective I think her hotness is probably more rooted to her youth and unblemished looks than to anything else. Regardless, I’ll settle for whatever I can take away from this film, even if it’s just the confirmation that I won’t be seeing the sequel. Well, unless Kristen Stewart gets naked or something…

Twilight gets a 3/10.

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